Tied for Fifth

We haven't heard anything about rescheduling the match cancelled by the hurricane, so it looks like the season is over. We finished tied for fifth.

It's not where we wanted to be, but it's a huge step up from where we were last season, and we did finish in the top half of the league.

Individually, we did reasonably well. We had four players with better than 50% winning averages, led by Danny's 63%. And Tim racked up 29 points, which was good for fourth place in the league.

We should also remember that we had two newbies on the team this season, both of whom succeeded in racking (!) up their first victories. Additionally, two other members of the team went up in rank, which meant they were, typically, squaring off against tougher opponents.  It's fair to think we'll see improved performances from all of them next season.

All in all, it was a bit of re-building season, but one where we still finished in the top half of the league. Not bad.

We're #4 1/2!

Stuart's off the sauce and updated the league standings — all of them this time.

And things aren't as bad as I thought. We're tied for fourth, only one point out of second and a mere three points out of first place. And we're playing the first place team —Bad for the Balls — at The Edge next week. Might be worth getting there early and getting in a few practice matches. In fact, if anyone wants to play there on Saturday, let me know.

See you on Monday.

Victory, Thy Name is ... Hello? Hello?

Hi.

Yes, I'm trying to reach Winged Victory.

Oh ... I see. Well, did she leave a forwarding number? Oh —Okay. Um, well, if she does call back, could you let her know McSwiggan's One is looking for her? Yeah, we kinda used to go out. OK. Thank you.

McSwiggan's One continued to stink up the joint, losing a heart-breaking 3-2 decision to Call Me Darlin'. The evening started off strong, with Max "Old Man River, He Just Keeps Rolling, Yes, He Just Keeps Rolling Along" Ernst taking a 2-0 match. Our Surface-to-Air Missile looked good, but her opponent nailed a tough shot on the 8 to snatch victory away. Tim Malloy looked good, dispatching his opponent with ease. But the 8-ball was not kind to Kevin Tran, and the table appeared outright hostile to Morgen Peck. 

So this is another night where we should get three points. That's not going to help us, but it doesn't really hurt us — we should still be in something like sixth place. This does mean that our next match — or our next two, if the hurricane match is rescheduled — is super important. So make a burnt offering to your god and let's regroup.

Revised league standings will be posted when Stuart sobers up.

Victory, Thy Name Has Been Whoever We've Been Playing

Any rag-tag group of freedom fighters will count as one of their primary weapons the Surface to Air Missile, or SAM.

Now we've got one.



Sam Hubbell got off the schneid with an impressive victory last Monday. And against a boy! And a good one! Sam, who previously had been asymptotically close to winning, broke on through to the other side that night, proving the lethalness of the SAM.

Sam was not alone in victory. Kevin Tran returned from watching some band to wipe the floor with his opponent. His victory, while impressive, could not quite match Sam's win for sheer explosiveness.

Both Kerin "Convoy" Conroy and Morgen "A Bushel & A" Peck fought nobly  but did not fare as well. Tim Malloy faced off against Bob the Impaler, and while the two played well, shit counts in APA, and Mr. Impaler walked away with the win.

In related news, Stuart is brain-dead. New league standings are out, and once again he has failed to include our last two matches.

I think we earned three points each of the last two weeks, which should put us at 38 points and in a tie for fifth. There are only eight points separating the top nine teams, so it's still anybody's game.

Tomorrow, we're back at McSwiggan's where we'll be facing off against Call Me Darlin'. This is our second to last game — unless Stuart re-schedules the matches cancelled due to the hurricane — so now is the time to step up. If we finish strong, we should make the playoffs. And with the playoffs, fame and fortune.

And if we don't, I say we just blow shit up.

Congrats again to Sam.

Semi-Revised League Standings

The league standings have been revised and they're a mess.

So we're allegedly in 8th place, but if you add in the six points we've earned in the last two weeks, we should be somewhere around 7th. But there are four teams, in addition to ourselves, for whom a revised point total was not given. So it's anybody's guess. 

I don't know if this is Stuart's fault, but it is fairly annoying. 

On the bright side, it looks like we're only four points out of first place, so we can turn this around.

Next game is back at McSwiggan's, where we will face off against McSwiggan's 3. 

We Suck Donkey Schlong

So that was awful.

The lowlights were rampant. Max Ernst was out in two, the victim of an 8-ball break. Tim Malloy was out in three, the victim of a pretty decent 5, a couple of bad breaks, dead rails and general not-being-in-it-ness. Danny Irizarry was the first on the team to win a single game, but he went down, too.

That said, while there were no highlights, there were a couple of mitigating points. Despite the 0-3 start, McSwiggan's was able to snatch two victories via forfeit. Add to those two points a third for fielding a full complement of five players, and McSwiggan's left the bar with three points. That's not good enough to help use to advance in the standings, but it should keep us in the hunt.

In addition, one of those forfeit points was accrued by Sam Hubball, who came straight from the airport to lend her support. Sam is asymptotically close to her first win -- it's impossible for her to get any closer to winning a match without actually winning the match.

So it could have been worse.

But it was pretty awful. Wacky Packs kind of awful.

We're Number ... 5? Also, Next Match

Pool league standings have ben revised, and despite our heroic showing against the Baggage Handlers of Yesteryear, it looks like we lost ground.

For whatever reasons, the standings do not include our most recent victory. But even including those four points only gets us to 33, which is good for a tie for fifth.

The problem is the congestion at the top. We have four teams — the Shamrock Rovers, Double Down, Bad for the Balls and Rack & Rollers — tied for first place. And — at 34 points, all four are only one point ahead of us. So the good news is that if we can chipping away at other teams, we should find ourselves back among the leaders.

This Monday, we're back at McSwiggan's hosting Motley Cue. See you then.

Victory -- Thy Name is Conroy!

This past Monday, Kerin "Convoy" Conroy led McSwiggan's One to a key victory over the  Baggage Handlers of Yesteryear.

Though Convoy Conroy was initially reluctant to take to the table, he quickly settled into a groove. Though facing off against a 4, Conroy played with poise, rebounding from his miscues and taking advantage of the opportunities given to him by his opponent's play. At times exhibiting a laser-like focus, he sank five balls in two shots, demoralizing his foe but delighting his overflow crowd of supporters.

Sadly, this movie was the highest grossing flick in Sam Peckinpah's career.

His fine play set the tone for the evening, and netted Ol' Convoy his first victory in league play. Congratulations to Mr. Conroy, the newly-appointed 4-Killer for McSwiggan's One!

Convoy Conroy's play outshone another fine performance, as Sam Hubball came this close to also snagging her first league win. In fact, save for a double-bank scratch on the 8 that she'll never be able to duplicate, Hubball would have put her opponent down in straight games. As it was, Hubball did grab another game win, and this time courtesy of her own hand.

Danny Irizarry also had the hot hand, putting down his opponent in five straight games. He could not have dispatched his foe more quickly if he used a bolt gun.

Unfortunately, Morgen Peck was not on fire. Instead, in her own words, she played like her life depended on it (but was feeling suicidally depressive) and lost to a 3. (Ew — ick!)

Tim Malloy graciously accepted his victory in the form of a forfeit, which game McSwiggan's One a 3-2 victory for the night. All in all, a fine night for McSwiggan's, a fine night for pool and a fine night for Kerin "Convoy" Conroy.

The Day the Nerd Stood Still describes Convoy of Girls as:

One of six terrible films included in the Nazi Cult Collection. Original French title: Convoi des Filles. Like any typical 'nazisploitation' flick (i.e., an exploitation film featuring gratuitous sex and violence in a Nazi setting), Convoy of Girls revolves around a group of girls being sent to German soldiers on the front lines for their R&R.

... 

This is not the worst film of the bunch, but still a movie that nobody would miss after all copies were lost in a public movie-burning rally.

We're #3! Also, Next Match.

League standings are out, and McSwiggan's One is in sole position of third place.

And we're only two points out of second, and three points out of first!

Our next match is against the Baggage Handlers of Yesteryear at the Edge, 95 East Third Street between First and Second Avenues. New York magazine says:

Don’t let the brick walls, comfy leather couch, pool table, and dart boards fool you: This may look like a neighborhood bar, but it’s the wrong neighborhood. It’s a little bit of the Upper East Side smack in the heart of the East Village. Of course, that’s not necessarily a bad thing—especially if you’re a clean-cut prepster in search of an after-work scene on a work-free Saturday evening, and don’t mind paying an extra dollar than is the norm in these parts for a drink. The  bartenders, however, will tell you the crowd is all local, and they’re so cute you’ll be tempted to believe them. Instead, tip them well and come back Sunday afternoon, when you can have the pool table—and the bartenders—all to yourself.

A view looking out onto positively Third Street.

And a view of the pool room.

Cliff Clavin in The Empire Strikes Back

One of the few conversations at our last game which did not involve James Bond addressed the film career of John Ratzenberger, aka Cliff Clavin. According to IMDB, he appeared in (very) minor roles in A Bridge Too Far, Superman, Motel Hell, Ragtime, Reds and Gandhi, as well as in The Empire Strikes Back. Enjoy.

Victory -- Thy Name is (Argle Bargle)

In a tautly fought battle, our beloved McSwiggers fell to the top-ranked Chamois Rovers in a 3-2 match.

Kevin Tran started off strong, but ultimately fell in a heartbreaker. Max Ernst then shook off a poor performance last week to even the score. Sam Huball squared off against a three, and succeeded in pushing him to hill-hill. Morgen Peck played an odd match against a begloved pseudo-6, but did take two games in the process. Danny Irizarry went hill-hill as well before pulling off the last victory of the night.

Next week, we're off The Edge to face off against the SkyCaptains of Yesteryear. Please be sure to bring money, so we can (a) take care of our little issue with pool league fees and (b) tip the sky caps appropriately.

Update and Revised League Standings

We're #3!

Or, depending on how you look at it, #4! And we're playing one of the #1 teams, Shamrock Rovers, tonight at McSwiggan's.

Victory (Special Election Day Edition)

Firstly, get out and vote. And remember that McSwiggan's One has endorsed John Edwards to be President of the United States of America.

Never has his leadership been needed more.

Last night, McSwiggan's One squared off against the Rack and Rollers at the Bleecker Street Bar. The Rack and Rollers were tied for first going in, but that's not how they ended the evening. (I think.) Kevin Tran and Tim Malloy posted impressive victories, and Morgen Peck pushed her winning streak out to three matches. Max Ernst lost, but the biggest frustration of the night occurred when Danny Irizarry tried to play the fifth match. Playing Danny, a 6, would have put McSwiggan's at 25, or 2 above the 23 Rule.

The what?

To keep things fair, APA rules states that the sum of the ranks of the five players involved in a set of matches cannot exceed 23. Unfortunately, as both Kevin Tran and Morgen Peck got kicked up a notch recently, we can now violate this rule rather easily. (Playing Tim (7), Danny (6), Morgen (5) and Kevin (4) gets us to 22, which would mean we'd have to put up a 1. Which doesn't exist. Which is a problem.)

What does this mean for us? We'll need stronger participation from the lower ranks of the team -- namely, Sam, Kerin and Max. Another option would be killing and eating one of the other team members, but at this point, that seems extreme.

In any case, McSwiggan's One is looking strong. With our victory last night, we should be moving up to third place or so. Here are the old standings. The new ones will be posted when they come out.

Having a Sad

Apparently, Parkside Stragglers were so unnerved at the prospect of facing McSwiggan's One that they conspired to create one of the largest meteorological events of all time to ... postpone the inevitable.

For shame, Parkside Stragglers. For shame.

Congratulations to Morgen and, Belatedly, Kevin!

Looking over the league stats, I see that Morgen Peck has been elevated from a 4 to a 5. And, a week or two ago, Kevin Tran went from a 3 to a 4. 

We're Number Four!

League standings went up early this week, and McSwiggan's One is in sole possession of fourth place — and just one point out of first.

Not bad, considering our loss earlier this week.

Shomer Shabbos

Mr. Sobchak, do you roll* on Shabbos?

Note, though, that Mr Sobchak has no opposition to playing pool on Shabbos. Playing pool is not work — it is joy, and it is life. Indeed, it comports with oneg Shabbat, the positive commandment to engage in pleasurable activities on the Shabbos with friends and family.

So this is a reminder that there will be a practice session at Amsterdam Billiards, 110 East 11th Street (at 4th Avenue) this Shabbos at 3:00 PM. New York magazine says:

Victory -- Thy Name is Um, Erm, ...

Well, that was a tough one.

On the heels of learning that McSwiggan's One is in a tie for third place, our band of vagabond heroes set out against Filthy English. (Editor's note: Not one of their players was from England, or even Great Britain. Though in terms of demeanor, they did seem oddly ... Canadian.)

Live-Blogging the Pool Game and the Presidential Debate

Two auspicious events happen tonight -- McSwiggan's One plays Filthy English, and Obama takes on Romney in a presidential grudge match.

7:07 PM  First up tonight is Morgen Peck. She begins with an impressive five-ball run, but appears stymied when her opponent brings up Libya — again. Morgen noted the situation in Benghazi was unfolding at the time preliminary statements were made, and her opponent responds with a two-ball run and a safety. Morgan wins the first match, and questions her opponent's patriotism.

7:29 PM  Morgen brings up Israel — a bold move. Her opponent goes for shape on the table, foregoing some easy shots now in favor of better positioning later on. Morgen brings up the settlements. Her opponent wins this one.

7:35 PM  Morgen's opponent opens up strong, but Morgen responds with the potential for a nuclear-armed Iran. Morgan's opponent takes a coach.

7:36 PM  This viewer is stunned that neither pool-player has addressed the crisis in the euro-zone.

7:44 PM  Morgen confuses her opponent by mentioning Canada, and takes the third match.

7:51 PM  Morgen breaks, and immediately claims success for killing bin Laden.

7:53 PM  Her opponent notes that success for the operation is necessarily widespread, and name-checks Seal Team 6. She also sinks a nice shot in the side pocket.

7:55 PM  This is unheard of. Filthy English notes that their player is a 3, not a 2. Morgen has already won, but is playing out this game in the name of sportsmanship. She invokes America's long-time support for struggling democracies across the globe.

We're Number Three!

The APA has updated it's rankings, and Formerly Kelly's McSwiggan's One is tied for third place! Click to embiggen.

Also, we now know Top Guns points.

Next Game -- Oct. 22nd

A reminder — our next game is against Filthy English at the Parkside Lounge, 317 East Houston Street at Attorney Street.

If an 8-Ball of Coke Weighed as Much as an Actual 8-Ball ...

... how much would it cost?

First off, how much does an 8-ball weigh?

A billiard ball weighs between 5.5 and 6 ounces, so let's call it 5.75 ounces. With 28.4 grams to the ounce, that turns out to be 163.3 grams. An 8-ball of coke is a third of an ounce, which would be about 9.5 grams. So our billiard ball of coke would be equivalent to about 17 8-balls. At $175 (more or less) for an 8-ball, that gives us a price of $2975.

This Week's Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This is not the week for major decisions. Jupiter is a heavy influence on your star sign, which may be either of mild benefit to you or a total disaster. So better safe than sorry and — as sorry could be financial ruin or bodily dismemberment, though not both — don't fool around. Call in sick, especially Friday, and do not answer the phone or open your doors between the hours of 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm. Be glad if you make it through the day.

Trust no one this week, as they may not be who they seem, and are most likely out to get you.

Victory -- Thy Name is Not Formerly Kelly's One

A cold, hard rain fell on Second Avenue.

Suffering their first loss of the new season, our rag-tag band of heroes fell to the swarthy hordes of Oh Joe Don't Coach Me. Morgen Peck started the night on a promising note, dispatching her opponent with aplomb and staking the team to 1-0 lead. But the valiant efforts of Sam Hubball, Danny Irizarry and Tim Malloy were insufficient, and our team fell behind 3-1. A forfeited match at the end narrowed the score to 3-2, but this comfort was as cold as the rain falling on McSwiggan's.

Next Monday, McSwiggan's One looks to rebound against Filthy English at the Parkside Lounge, 317 East Houston Street at Attorney Street. New York magazine writes:

The Lower East Side was once a place where expiring hipsters would quietly drink themselves to death in downtown's last-ditch demimonde of derelict, drug-laden depravity. But this bustling neighborhood has seen a turnaround in recent years, and so has the Parkside's once sordid clientele. They keep the well drinks flowing, the classic rock blaring and the billiard balls clanking in the bar's otherwise sterile and faceless neon-lit front room.

Next Game -- Oct. 15th

It's official. The next game will Oct. 15th at McSwiggan's, 393 Second Ave. between 22nd and 23rd. See you there tonight.

New York magazine says:

Despite sights and smells that call to mind a frat house basement, all eyes are smiling at this Gramercy dive, if only because of the booze. The action starts when older Stuy-town barflies flock here to get their afternoon fix and gawk at the pretty bartenders; next up is the suit-and-tie set taking advantage of the cheap happy hour pints and playing pool or darts—the sole diversions. Come nightfall, SVA and NYU students descend upon the Spartan space, perhaps because of the happy hour's late-night return.

New Standings (Partial)

The APA has updated its standing, but once again has failed to include information for all teams.

The APA has us tied for third, but did not include our victory over Double Down. If we get three points for that, we go up to a tie for second place. If we get four points (teams may, or may not, get a bonus point for beating their opponent,), then we're in sole possession of second, and just two points out of first.

It's still not clear where we're playing tomorrow, but it looks like either McSwiggan's, 393 Second Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Street, or back at Double Down.

How Effective Are Pool Cues Against Zombies?

Inquiring minds want to know. Fortunately, the Urban Dead wiki has the answers.

According to Wikipedia, Urban Dead is:

Urban Dead is a free-to-play HTML/text-based massively multiplayer online role-playing game created by Kevan Davis. Set in a quarantined region of the fictional city of Malton, it deals with the aftermath of a zombie outbreak. Players enter the game either as a survivor or a zombie, each with different abilities and limitations. Survivors become zombies when they are killed, while zombies can be "revivified" with appropriate technology, returning to life as a survivor - any character played for long will thus spend some time alive and some as a zombie. There are no non-player characters in the game: all survivors and zombies are controlled by players.

And to assist players as they battle the zombie hordes, the Urband Dead wiki provides useful information on a wide variety of non-traditional weapons such as pipes, beer bottles, cricket bats and pool cues.

The pool cue is modestly effective against zombies -- inflicting two points of damage -- but its weakness is that it will shatter within five turns. A better option, should you have one, is a fire axe. 

Among other non-traditional weapons are the umbrella,
the field hockey stick, the cricket bat and the small log.

Next Game -- October 15th

While the location for next week's game is as yet unknown, our opponent will be Oh Joe Don't Coach Me.

Stay tuned.

A Personal Note from Our Sponsor

Hi, guys!

It's Danny Bagadonuts here, owner and proprietor of Danny's Towing Inc. I just wanted to say how happy I am with how you're starting out your season there.

You know, providing top-rate towing services is a lot like playing pool. It's about performance under pressure. When you're trying to back up on the FDR to do a front-axle tow on a heavy-duty panel truck, that's a lot like trying to carom the object ball off the eight -- there's no margin for error. Or if you've got to bring in a Mini Cooper on a rear-axle haul -- that's all about finesse (and a little English!)

Or maybe you've got a broken-down school bus in Tribeca, and you need to get it to the mechanic's yard in Queens. That's like ....

Whoa. Working with all these metaphors is making me hungry.

Anyways, congratulations on the wins, and keep up the good work. You're making me proud. And remember -- there's free coffee with every tow!

Go, Formerly Kelly's One!

Danny Bagadonuts
Self-portrait, 2012

Victory -- Thy Name is Formerly Kelly's

Autumn had begun its annual squat on the Lower East Side, descending into places public and private, squalid and merely dusty. The air had a chill, and day hurried into night. Avenue A had settled into what passed for its nocturnal charm, and the lonely band of heroes formerly known as Kelly's One made its way to the septic sinkhole called the Double Down.

Originally a bar for mongoloid twins, the Double Down had transmogrified itself over the years into a seedy pit of heavily distorted three-chord despair. (A seedless version is being developed in Japan, rumors say.) This night, however, it would serve as an arena for blood combat -- Week Four of Pool League.

Are you not entertained?

Tim Malloy sportingly offered his first game as a sacrifice to the pool gods, before setting off on an impressive streak. He ended with a break and run, and our team was up 1-0. Double Down evened the score against Max Ernst, who was distracted by the, um, colorful 70s movies playing on the TV above the pool table. Kevin Tran improved his record and Formerly Kelly's was up 2-1. In a match marked by unconventional score-keeping, Danny Irizarry won (and also had a break and run), and victory was ours. In her first appearance of the season, Morgen Peck forgot about picking apples and banged balls bravely. Her opponent prevailed, though, most likely by cheating (or perhaps the use of magic).

Now here's where it gets complicated. 

Above are the league standings for last week -- although the records for four teams (including Formerly Kelly's) were not updated. So our victory over Bad for the Balls was not included. By my math, our victory would put us in a tie for third place. (There's also a rumor that teams get a bonus point for winning. If that's true, then we're tied for second.) With our victory over Double Down, we should have either 14 or 16 points. As the Shamrock Rovers beat Formerly Kelly's Three, they should have either 16 or 17 points. Double Down should have 14 points. So we should still be in second place -- either tied with Double Down or holding onto it exclusively. And we should only be a point or two out of first. 

A special shout-out goes to Sam Hubball, who provided much needed cheer and bench strength. In the summer season, Formerly Kelly's routinely forfeited matches when we couldn't field a five-man team. (We also had that problem in the first game of the season.) But for three matches running, we've had a full complement and one on the side.

Formerly Kelly's. Bigger and deffer.

Pool vs. Bowling

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X and welcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show on TV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave me anything less, it would be a commercial! I think we all know who the man is! I’m talking about the same man who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese, and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!  I’m talking about the same man who invented the game of pool: a game in which the player uses a white ball and a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off a table and into a bunch of holes!  Alright, y'all. It's about time for Viewer Mail! Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!  [Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]  Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like a very tense man. What do you do to relax?”  Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothing like taking that big black ball and knocking it into those ten white pins with the red necks!  [Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]  Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Get outta here! Get outta here!!  [Image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, as he mimes being in prison]  That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me! That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!! The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven't had that much fun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!

This Is My Pool Cue

This is my pool cue. 

There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My pool cue is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. 

Without me, my pool cue is useless. Without my pool cue, I am useless. I must aim my pool cue true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to beat me. I must beat him before he beats me. I will. 

Before God, I swear this creed: my pool cue and myself are defenders of my bar. We are the masters of our enemy; we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. 

Amen.