This Week's Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This is not the week for major decisions. Jupiter is a heavy influence on your star sign, which may be either of mild benefit to you or a total disaster. So better safe than sorry and — as sorry could be financial ruin or bodily dismemberment, though not both — don't fool around. Call in sick, especially Friday, and do not answer the phone or open your doors between the hours of 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm. Be glad if you make it through the day.

Trust no one this week, as they may not be who they seem, and are most likely out to get you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Mars is rising, but its positive influence will be lost as the laws of physics dictate that smaller objects located in your vicinity will have a stronger gravitational pull on your person than some distant planet. If you wish to reap the rewards of this planetary position, you will need to eliminate this gravitational "white noise" by packing up all your belongings and sending them far, far away.

As long as you do this, you should have a fine week. In fact, Tuesday will find you impervious to poison and invulnerable to bladed weapons.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Uranus have aligned in a once-in-a-lifetime combination in your house, creating ideal conditions for cleansing negative energies from your being. It's spring cleaning time for your karma, my friend. Focus, almost exclusively, on confession and thanksgiving for the next seven days and you will reap the rewards for years to come. As difficult as it may be, NOW is the time to tell your spouse about all infidelities. It's also the time to contact the authorities — IRS, FBI, local police, and let it all hang out. Despite your fears and apprehensions, no one will abandon you and you will suffer no negative consequence.

Again, this is all about spiritual healing.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Nothing noteworthy will happen to you this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It's time to recoup all the money spent on "toxic cleansing," crystals, tarot readings, chakra realignments and reflexology. Keep a sharp eye out for investment opportunities in the alternate healthcare industry, particularly those promoting ancient eastern remedies, as these tried and true favorites are sure-fire hits for you. Romance will come knocking soon, and you should answer the door wearing black leather chaps, nipple rings and a holstered whip.

An old acquaintance will return towards the end of the week. Welcome them, bring them into your confidence, take their valuables and then cast them out.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your propensity to believe in the absurd and implausible serves you well this week. An acquaintance will make a strange proposal — take it and don't think twice. It will assuredly bring good fortune and happiness. Dryness is a sign of prosperity for you — make note of it! Beware of anyone named Dave, and keep a look-out for men wearing baseball caps. Uniforms will also bring you good luck — you may wish to pick up a few over the weekend.

Romance with the disabled looks promising. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The time is ripe to settle an old dispute; violence may be necessary. Your suspicions about a female loved one are confirmed (and then some). Be kind, but firm. This is not a bad week to start eating a new kind of meat regularly. Wednesday is the day you meet your one true love; don't let this true opportunity pass you by, regardless of what your spouse or partner may say.

Stop watching TV after 1:00 in the morning and load up on canned soups. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 24)

Pets prove to be a romantic hindrance for you — pawn them off on a relative if you can, or put them down. A small and seemingly unimportant problem perplexes you early on in the week, and no matter how hard you try, the solution eludes you. This will eventually elevate into a crisis that brings about thoughts of suicide. There is no way to avoid this, and taking action will not help. Your only option is to worry.

This could have been avoided had Pluto not been downgraded from planet to "space rock."

Sagittarius (November 25 – December 21)

This week will prove to be a challenging one, as your guardian angel has been reincarnated into a soon-to-be aborted fetus. Avoid short-distance travel at all cost, and stay on top of personal grooming. You will have trouble with left-handed people in the near future; be sure to give them a wide berth.

A larger penis disrupts your romantic life, but this is temporary. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This is an ideal week to make new connections for business. Don't be too quick to judge those around you, as foregoing deeply held principals will likely bring financial gain. Resist information on the scientific method and critical thinking, as it will prove ruinous to your worldview. Romantically speaking, it may also be a good time to reconsider your views on bondage and costume play — time to stretch those boundaries!

A Taurus in your life is sniffing glue.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Failure to avoid biting insects will bring the death of one of your younger family members. Your habit of committing random acts of kindness begins to pay dividends by mid-week, but be skeptical of good news unless it's too good to be true. A perfect suitor is headed your way, but a series of large solar flares will drive them toward someone who only looks like you.

It may be time to abandon a financially secure career position and follow a childhood dream.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Financial hardships will be overcome soon and give way to medical misadventure. Do not accept traditional western medical intervention, as your true cure lies in the healing power of magnets. Life is short — this may be truer for you than for most, so live life to the fullest. A man with a missing limb will approach early in the week — recoil and curse him. Leave the repayment of debts for a better time, as one of your creditors will die soon. It may be a good time to plan travel, but be leery of destinations where rum is served.

Troubles with close relatives arise; don't be too proud to ask the advice of the senile. They have wisdom beyond our understanding. 

By Tim Malloy.