Having a Sad

Apparently, Parkside Stragglers were so unnerved at the prospect of facing McSwiggan's One that they conspired to create one of the largest meteorological events of all time to ... postpone the inevitable.

For shame, Parkside Stragglers. For shame.

Congratulations to Morgen and, Belatedly, Kevin!

Looking over the league stats, I see that Morgen Peck has been elevated from a 4 to a 5. And, a week or two ago, Kevin Tran went from a 3 to a 4. 

We're Number Four!

League standings went up early this week, and McSwiggan's One is in sole possession of fourth place — and just one point out of first.

Not bad, considering our loss earlier this week.

Shomer Shabbos

Mr. Sobchak, do you roll* on Shabbos?

Note, though, that Mr Sobchak has no opposition to playing pool on Shabbos. Playing pool is not work — it is joy, and it is life. Indeed, it comports with oneg Shabbat, the positive commandment to engage in pleasurable activities on the Shabbos with friends and family.

So this is a reminder that there will be a practice session at Amsterdam Billiards, 110 East 11th Street (at 4th Avenue) this Shabbos at 3:00 PM. New York magazine says:

Victory -- Thy Name is Um, Erm, ...

Well, that was a tough one.

On the heels of learning that McSwiggan's One is in a tie for third place, our band of vagabond heroes set out against Filthy English. (Editor's note: Not one of their players was from England, or even Great Britain. Though in terms of demeanor, they did seem oddly ... Canadian.)

Live-Blogging the Pool Game and the Presidential Debate

Two auspicious events happen tonight -- McSwiggan's One plays Filthy English, and Obama takes on Romney in a presidential grudge match.

7:07 PM  First up tonight is Morgen Peck. She begins with an impressive five-ball run, but appears stymied when her opponent brings up Libya — again. Morgen noted the situation in Benghazi was unfolding at the time preliminary statements were made, and her opponent responds with a two-ball run and a safety. Morgan wins the first match, and questions her opponent's patriotism.

7:29 PM  Morgen brings up Israel — a bold move. Her opponent goes for shape on the table, foregoing some easy shots now in favor of better positioning later on. Morgen brings up the settlements. Her opponent wins this one.

7:35 PM  Morgen's opponent opens up strong, but Morgen responds with the potential for a nuclear-armed Iran. Morgan's opponent takes a coach.

7:36 PM  This viewer is stunned that neither pool-player has addressed the crisis in the euro-zone.

7:44 PM  Morgen confuses her opponent by mentioning Canada, and takes the third match.

7:51 PM  Morgen breaks, and immediately claims success for killing bin Laden.

7:53 PM  Her opponent notes that success for the operation is necessarily widespread, and name-checks Seal Team 6. She also sinks a nice shot in the side pocket.

7:55 PM  This is unheard of. Filthy English notes that their player is a 3, not a 2. Morgen has already won, but is playing out this game in the name of sportsmanship. She invokes America's long-time support for struggling democracies across the globe.

We're Number Three!

The APA has updated it's rankings, and Formerly Kelly's McSwiggan's One is tied for third place! Click to embiggen.

Also, we now know Top Guns points.

Next Game -- Oct. 22nd

A reminder — our next game is against Filthy English at the Parkside Lounge, 317 East Houston Street at Attorney Street.

If an 8-Ball of Coke Weighed as Much as an Actual 8-Ball ...

... how much would it cost?

First off, how much does an 8-ball weigh?

A billiard ball weighs between 5.5 and 6 ounces, so let's call it 5.75 ounces. With 28.4 grams to the ounce, that turns out to be 163.3 grams. An 8-ball of coke is a third of an ounce, which would be about 9.5 grams. So our billiard ball of coke would be equivalent to about 17 8-balls. At $175 (more or less) for an 8-ball, that gives us a price of $2975.

This Week's Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This is not the week for major decisions. Jupiter is a heavy influence on your star sign, which may be either of mild benefit to you or a total disaster. So better safe than sorry and — as sorry could be financial ruin or bodily dismemberment, though not both — don't fool around. Call in sick, especially Friday, and do not answer the phone or open your doors between the hours of 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm. Be glad if you make it through the day.

Trust no one this week, as they may not be who they seem, and are most likely out to get you.

Victory -- Thy Name is Not Formerly Kelly's One

A cold, hard rain fell on Second Avenue.

Suffering their first loss of the new season, our rag-tag band of heroes fell to the swarthy hordes of Oh Joe Don't Coach Me. Morgen Peck started the night on a promising note, dispatching her opponent with aplomb and staking the team to 1-0 lead. But the valiant efforts of Sam Hubball, Danny Irizarry and Tim Malloy were insufficient, and our team fell behind 3-1. A forfeited match at the end narrowed the score to 3-2, but this comfort was as cold as the rain falling on McSwiggan's.

Next Monday, McSwiggan's One looks to rebound against Filthy English at the Parkside Lounge, 317 East Houston Street at Attorney Street. New York magazine writes:

The Lower East Side was once a place where expiring hipsters would quietly drink themselves to death in downtown's last-ditch demimonde of derelict, drug-laden depravity. But this bustling neighborhood has seen a turnaround in recent years, and so has the Parkside's once sordid clientele. They keep the well drinks flowing, the classic rock blaring and the billiard balls clanking in the bar's otherwise sterile and faceless neon-lit front room.

Next Game -- Oct. 15th

It's official. The next game will Oct. 15th at McSwiggan's, 393 Second Ave. between 22nd and 23rd. See you there tonight.

New York magazine says:

Despite sights and smells that call to mind a frat house basement, all eyes are smiling at this Gramercy dive, if only because of the booze. The action starts when older Stuy-town barflies flock here to get their afternoon fix and gawk at the pretty bartenders; next up is the suit-and-tie set taking advantage of the cheap happy hour pints and playing pool or darts—the sole diversions. Come nightfall, SVA and NYU students descend upon the Spartan space, perhaps because of the happy hour's late-night return.

New Standings (Partial)

The APA has updated its standing, but once again has failed to include information for all teams.

The APA has us tied for third, but did not include our victory over Double Down. If we get three points for that, we go up to a tie for second place. If we get four points (teams may, or may not, get a bonus point for beating their opponent,), then we're in sole possession of second, and just two points out of first.

It's still not clear where we're playing tomorrow, but it looks like either McSwiggan's, 393 Second Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Street, or back at Double Down.

How Effective Are Pool Cues Against Zombies?

Inquiring minds want to know. Fortunately, the Urban Dead wiki has the answers.

According to Wikipedia, Urban Dead is:

Urban Dead is a free-to-play HTML/text-based massively multiplayer online role-playing game created by Kevan Davis. Set in a quarantined region of the fictional city of Malton, it deals with the aftermath of a zombie outbreak. Players enter the game either as a survivor or a zombie, each with different abilities and limitations. Survivors become zombies when they are killed, while zombies can be "revivified" with appropriate technology, returning to life as a survivor - any character played for long will thus spend some time alive and some as a zombie. There are no non-player characters in the game: all survivors and zombies are controlled by players.

And to assist players as they battle the zombie hordes, the Urband Dead wiki provides useful information on a wide variety of non-traditional weapons such as pipes, beer bottles, cricket bats and pool cues.

The pool cue is modestly effective against zombies -- inflicting two points of damage -- but its weakness is that it will shatter within five turns. A better option, should you have one, is a fire axe. 

Among other non-traditional weapons are the umbrella,
the field hockey stick, the cricket bat and the small log.

Next Game -- October 15th

While the location for next week's game is as yet unknown, our opponent will be Oh Joe Don't Coach Me.

Stay tuned.

A Personal Note from Our Sponsor

Hi, guys!

It's Danny Bagadonuts here, owner and proprietor of Danny's Towing Inc. I just wanted to say how happy I am with how you're starting out your season there.

You know, providing top-rate towing services is a lot like playing pool. It's about performance under pressure. When you're trying to back up on the FDR to do a front-axle tow on a heavy-duty panel truck, that's a lot like trying to carom the object ball off the eight -- there's no margin for error. Or if you've got to bring in a Mini Cooper on a rear-axle haul -- that's all about finesse (and a little English!)

Or maybe you've got a broken-down school bus in Tribeca, and you need to get it to the mechanic's yard in Queens. That's like ....

Whoa. Working with all these metaphors is making me hungry.

Anyways, congratulations on the wins, and keep up the good work. You're making me proud. And remember -- there's free coffee with every tow!

Go, Formerly Kelly's One!

Danny Bagadonuts
Self-portrait, 2012

Victory -- Thy Name is Formerly Kelly's

Autumn had begun its annual squat on the Lower East Side, descending into places public and private, squalid and merely dusty. The air had a chill, and day hurried into night. Avenue A had settled into what passed for its nocturnal charm, and the lonely band of heroes formerly known as Kelly's One made its way to the septic sinkhole called the Double Down.

Originally a bar for mongoloid twins, the Double Down had transmogrified itself over the years into a seedy pit of heavily distorted three-chord despair. (A seedless version is being developed in Japan, rumors say.) This night, however, it would serve as an arena for blood combat -- Week Four of Pool League.

Are you not entertained?

Tim Malloy sportingly offered his first game as a sacrifice to the pool gods, before setting off on an impressive streak. He ended with a break and run, and our team was up 1-0. Double Down evened the score against Max Ernst, who was distracted by the, um, colorful 70s movies playing on the TV above the pool table. Kevin Tran improved his record and Formerly Kelly's was up 2-1. In a match marked by unconventional score-keeping, Danny Irizarry won (and also had a break and run), and victory was ours. In her first appearance of the season, Morgen Peck forgot about picking apples and banged balls bravely. Her opponent prevailed, though, most likely by cheating (or perhaps the use of magic).

Now here's where it gets complicated. 

Above are the league standings for last week -- although the records for four teams (including Formerly Kelly's) were not updated. So our victory over Bad for the Balls was not included. By my math, our victory would put us in a tie for third place. (There's also a rumor that teams get a bonus point for winning. If that's true, then we're tied for second.) With our victory over Double Down, we should have either 14 or 16 points. As the Shamrock Rovers beat Formerly Kelly's Three, they should have either 16 or 17 points. Double Down should have 14 points. So we should still be in second place -- either tied with Double Down or holding onto it exclusively. And we should only be a point or two out of first. 

A special shout-out goes to Sam Hubball, who provided much needed cheer and bench strength. In the summer season, Formerly Kelly's routinely forfeited matches when we couldn't field a five-man team. (We also had that problem in the first game of the season.) But for three matches running, we've had a full complement and one on the side.

Formerly Kelly's. Bigger and deffer.

Pool vs. Bowling

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X and welcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show on TV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave me anything less, it would be a commercial! I think we all know who the man is! I’m talking about the same man who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese, and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!  I’m talking about the same man who invented the game of pool: a game in which the player uses a white ball and a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off a table and into a bunch of holes!  Alright, y'all. It's about time for Viewer Mail! Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!  [Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]  Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like a very tense man. What do you do to relax?”  Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothing like taking that big black ball and knocking it into those ten white pins with the red necks!  [Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]  Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Get outta here! Get outta here!!  [Image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, as he mimes being in prison]  That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me! That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!! The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven't had that much fun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!

This Is My Pool Cue

This is my pool cue. 

There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My pool cue is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. 

Without me, my pool cue is useless. Without my pool cue, I am useless. I must aim my pool cue true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to beat me. I must beat him before he beats me. I will. 

Before God, I swear this creed: my pool cue and myself are defenders of my bar. We are the masters of our enemy; we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. 

Amen.

Preparing to Play Your Best

This is a gentle reminder that league play starts at promptly at 7:00 PM.

It's a good idea to squeeze in a practice match, so come early if you can. In fact, here's a proposed schedule to help make sure you're at your best when you play on Monday night.


Sunday

7:00 PM	Dinner — Whole grains and legumes, leafy green vegetables and lean protein.
10:00 PM	Pool Meditation: Being the 8-Ball.

Monday 

7:00 AM	Light breakfast — yogurt, fruit granola, juice. Tea or coffee.
11:00 AM	Yoga.
12:00 PM	Lunch — salad with protein.
3:00 PM	Stretches.
4:00 PM	Sweat lodge (optional).
5:00 PM	Light cardio work-out — jogging, jump rope, parkour.
5:30 PM	Oil body.
6:00 PM	Gird loins.
6:30 PM	Do a couple of shots (pool).
6:45 PM	Do a couple of shots (whiskey).
7:00 PM	Play ball!

New Sponsor

Kelly's One is proud to announce that we have a new sponsor this week. Please welcome Danny's Towing to the team!

Danny's Towing Inc is a Legally Bonded Approved and Licensed NYC Towing Company that provides the best emergency towing and road side assistance in New York.  Our reputation has been built upon fulfilling our customers needs through expert service and reasonable prices.   

From the moment you call us until your problem has been solved, you can expect expert service from this Manhattan Towing Company.  So, the next time you have a flat tire, have locked yourself out of your vehicle or can not get your car to start, give us a call at 212-582-2255 and let us take the tension out of towing for you.

Danny's Towing -- the official tow truck service provider to Kelly's One!

Next Game -- October 8th

We'll be taking on the barbarians hordes from Double Down on their own turf -- 14 Avenue A.

Victory -- Thy Name is Kelly's

As day gave way to night in the Lower East Side of the bustling metropolis called New York, Kelly's One bravely squared off against their arch nemeses: Bad for the Balls, the rag-tag crew of pool-playing misfits from the Edge.

What does New York have to say about the Edge?

This may look like a neighborhood bar, but it's the wrong neighborhood. It's a little bit of the Upper East Side smack in the heart of the East Village.

And that's how they play.

The evening started off rough. The pools gods smote Tim Malloy, allowing Bad for the Balls to take the first match. Max Ernst quickly negated their lead, and Kevin Tran put our team up by one. Danny Irizarry provided the biggest thrills of the night, first staking his opponent to a three-game lead. He then launched a comeback the likes of which have rarely been seen, stroking his way to five consecutive victories. Kerin Conroy fought valiantly, but his opponent fought valianter. At the end of the night, Kelly's One had prevailed, 3-2.

"We were lucking to get out of there alive," said the captain for Bad for the Balls. "To face that team -- on their home table -- is something no man would wish for himself. All in all, they treated us with mercy, and we are thankful. Deeply thankful."

A special mention must be made of the contributions of Sam Hubball. Though she did not wield a stick in battle, she showed unqualified support by springing for a large deluxe pizza at the end of combat. The Florence Nightengale of the APA, she provided succor when her team was in need. Her efforts were deeply appreciated by all.

The Winged Victory of Samothrace